by Jacqueline Horsburgh
A GRATEFUL GOODBYE
MY EXPERIENCE OF ENDING WORK AS A THERAPIST
I made a decision four years ago to retire from my work as a therapist in private practice. At the time I was working with about 20 clients and eight supervisees so my week was filled with direct work and supporting other therapists in their work with clients. It was going to be a huge change to my life and I reflected a great deal about the impact on me and, of course, my clients.
In the end, it took me about a year to ponder over whether this was the right decision. As a psychodynamic counsellor, I believe in the immense influence our unconscious has on our lives so I wanted to give time and space to reflection. I hoped to consider my defences, my own `shadow` (unconscious parts that are hard to acknowledge). I wanted all the mixed feelings to emerge so they could be thought about. Inevitably, there were some feelings or experiences I didn’t expect which I shall discuss further in this article.
The plan had been loosely that I would retire at the same time as my husband (who was in a different line of work) but I still found myself in two minds, pondering it over until, one day, I simply said to myself, `it’s time`. So, I took the plunge and decided to put something of a more solid plan in place as to how I would work towards an ending. Naturally, any plan I had in my mind would not be the reality.
I felt the need to do this in stages to lessen the impact of too many Goodbyes at once. I stopped advertising myself in directories so I no longer took on new clients. If any previous clients returned for further work, I made it clear I would be retiring in two years but would take them on, if they wished, for that timeframe – most of them did so. It is worth noting that I have had some clients who’ve asked to see me `for just a couple of sessions` after my retirement so I have had to hold firm to the ending and explain I am no longer insured to do this work. Perhaps I used the insurance reason to lessen my guilt, I wonder now?
I took some time to consider which clients I would initially inform of my retirement so that I could give them all two years` notice to allow for the work and for them to be fully engaged with the endings. I shall discuss this further as the usual expectations about how clients might react in their different ways still came as a surprise. Of course, I was also surprised by my own sadness in ending with so many people which was and had to be truly felt by me.
Needless to say, I gave some thought to how the sudden ending would be experienced individually and differently by every one of my clients, considering the background and experience of loss in each individual life. This was indeed a major concern as I took into account how they related to me, as a parental figure for example, who is yet again `unreliable`.
So, my reason for putting this down in writing is to make sense of my journey towards retirement in this line of work and offer some sense of the depth of experience and learning that might be useful to therapists who will come to this point in their own work one day.
As I staggered my client endings, considering all the while that each one was in a different place in his or her therapeutic journey, I spoke to my supervisor in depth about my choice to phase the endings as it felt as if I was choosing some over others which goes against my way of being. The choice, however, was more easily made to inform the first few clients of my ending as they were largely ready to end themselves and able to realise they were at a point of more autonomy and resilience in themselves. I thought, for this reason, an ending might have a softer landing for them but, of course, this was not necessarily the case.
In my decision to retire, I was the one putting the ending in place rather than its being at a time of the client’s choosing.
No matter how gently or supportive I tried to be in communicating my retirement, understandably it landed with a shock and I could tell some clients were blindsided. From that moment on, there was a change to the underlying feeling of the sessions for some time. Perhaps there was no way around this. Inevitably, from that moment right up until the end of our work I paid keen attention to how the ending was being brought in either overtly or subtly in myriad ways, some of which are described below.
The fantasies of clients varied according to their own backgrounds and the meaning attributed to our relationships.
Some clients had the fantasy that they were the only ones I was ending with as if they were being singled out as the `bad` clients. In exploring this further, in particular the impact of my decision, some clients spoke of feeling they were at fault, others that they no longer saw any point in continuing so they should just stop the work. It was as if, in that moment, I had become the withholding mother and they were very angry. We took the time to bear the pain, understand all of these reactions according to their own histories and the, often unbearable, feelings that were around or had resurfaced. Needless to say, all of their reactions had an impact on my own feelings of guilt, sadness, loss and blaming of myself alongside a genuine sense of responsibility for how my clients were now left feeling. I am sure in reading this you will see the importance of taking all of this to my supervisor to consider what was being stirred up in me that was `mine` or what was the client’s projections. The transference (when feelings toward someone in the past are unconsciously projected into someone in the present) was understandably powerful, heightened and intense. I would often find myself needing longer breaks in between sessions over this period. The work felt amplified and deep, as if I were an archaeologist seeing glints of archaic material and trying to find the well-covered meaning.
It was so helpful to have an experienced supervisor who knew me and my clients well so we could think together as responses changed from client to client and also from session to session. I made the decision at times to increase my supervision to allow space for all the various reactions that were surfacing to be thought about.
Reactions of clients are different and often unconscious.
The obvious reaction, which I expected, was that clients would tamper with the `frame` of the sessions: turning up late, cancelling late, not turning up at all, trying to change the time. All of this happened to varying degrees and I knew it would be crucial to talk it through and relate it to the ending which is always there from the start of our work but felt as though it was now in flashing neon lights in every session most of the time.
I am also stating the obvious when I say that clients will regress but I hadn’t expected, in some cases, how much this would show itself. Apart from feeling as if some areas of work done were unravelling a bit, they also naturally presented in a more childlike way. It was as if some clients wanted me to see how they couldn’t cope, just how bad things were for them, how a crisis had suddenly appeared so I couldn’t possibly end. I have to admit I did become worried about the predicaments they found themselves in so took this, again, to supervision.
A parallel process seemed to show itself sometimes in supervision, when I became the needy therapist in supervision (I couldn’t cope) just as, in the therapy work, my clients were showing how they felt they couldn’t cope and needed me. At this point I thought of Harold Searles`s 1955 classic paper `The Informational Value of the Supervisor`s Emotional Experience`, where he defined this phenomenon as the unconscious repetition of the patient-therapist relationship within the therapist-supervisor relationship.
Clients show their anger in very different, subtle ways.
I began to see more clearly the ways in which anger was being expressed, especially when, in the transference, I felt a little provoked or tested. One or two clients asked for a copy of session notes, potentially as a way of holding on to me or the relationship. Was this their anger showing itself? I noticed also that I had to chase some clients (and supervisees) for payment which either hadn’t happened before or was rare in our work. I noticed how technology was also `leveraged` due to sound or cameras not working. I understood this might be their way of holding onto control by communicating to me a sense that they were the ones who would disappear on me, not the other way round.
I am sure there were many ways I must have missed that clients showed their anger. They might not even have been aware of the reason behind their change in behaviour or were, in the end, unable to speak of it fully to me.
Recommendations to other therapists or supervisors isn’t advised
I also realised that any sense of a referral to another therapist or supervisor put pressure on the client or supervisee to take up the suggestion and it might not actually be a good fit. I spoke at length about this as many of them asked me to recommend someone. I did wonder and reflect on my motive in wanting to do so. Was I avoiding my own sense of leaving my clients adrift by trying to make it a smooth transition and ease my own guilt? Probably this was part or all of the reason. On reflection, I think it was an advantage to phase my endings as I gained greater insight into all of the pitfalls so I could adapt working towards better endings with my remaining clients and supervisees.
Sessions should preferably remain as they were, as should my way of working
As the time of our ending approached and we had shorter horizons, I found it harder to be as `free- flowing` with my interpretations as I had been. It was as if I was now doing short-term work so I felt I could no longer be my usual `psychodynamic` self. I felt restricted, as if I was holding something of `me` back, the work was stinted and the sessions themselves didn’t feel right. Certainly, this would be exactly how my clients might be feeling. I was able to speak to my clients about keeping the work as it had always been. They all wanted me to continue to be myself, to notice, to challenge, open up ways of thinking and stay curious, as we always have done. I believe it is crucial that this is the way the work should continue as an ending is put in place or something important in our relationship is lost at a time when it really matters.
The final ending session is going to be messy
I talked to my clients about how the last ending session might feel `messy`, what I meant by that exactly and that it would probably be imperfect. This was understood as an honest thing to acknowledge. What transpired, however, took me by surprise. Some clients spoke of something emotionally laden that they had never mentioned before. Others brought up completely new issues to speak about, knowing that, as this was our last final session, time was limited to explore them fully. We ended up in a place of not knowing, but a place we had anticipated so it was OK.
It seemed important for clients to feel in control of the exact moment to end our last session each time. I work online so we agreed they would close the session when they were ready so there were no words left half-spoken just as the button was pressed (which can happen). Crucially though, it was about expectations. The ending session would be what it needed to be, not tied up in a bow, and maybe there would be upset or heavy emotions around. Again, all of this was important to recognise together.
My experience of the final weeks
In my last few weeks of work, I found myself having the fantasy that my clients just wouldn’t turn up for their last sessions or cancel, knowing that no further sessions would be possible. I could see that this would be their way of controlling something of our endings, leaving me, in a sense, with the pain of loss and, of course, it was their right to do so. This didn’t happen but I had to think about why this anxiety was surfacing for me and what it might mean in my work.
Clearly, my supervisor was invaluable over the last few years and weeks as I navigated my way through the potholes that would be on my road towards ending.
New learnings
As I write this, I am only a few weeks into my retirement and I still wake up thinking about my clients and supervisees. I am pleased I am retired, and especially in the summertime. My husband found retiring in the winter very difficult so I learnt from him. I feel something is lighter on my shoulders but it takes time to extricate oneself from the intensity of counselling work and the strong relationships that are built with clients and supervisees. They will always be around for me, showing up in dreams perhaps. Even clients I saw years ago pop into my mind as I wonder how they are doing. It is a question that is never answered but I know the sessions we had together have been a part of their lives and they will continue to benefit from the changes in themselves as a result of the depth of work they did.
Since ending, what has surprised me is the loss of a sense of the collective group of clients. Not only the loss of the individual client but also the loss of the group of clients I worked with, as if they had a group identity or shared feeling for me as a collective. It is hard to describe the way this feels without thinking about Jung’s `collective unconscious` which helps me to understand this as an unconscious `shared` aspect of our psyche that exists and is powerful.
I have been noticing lately the lack of bird song first thing in the morning, but I don’t exactly know the reason why. Bird song brings up for me a sense of wonder - and how readily it puts a smile on my face. There is something similar going on for me in experiencing the endings with my group of clients. I miss the wonder the work provided but I find I still have a smile on my face as I wake up each morning to my newly-found freedom.
It has been a wonderful journey being a therapist in private practice and I am, of course, immensely grateful for it. It is often said in the counselling world that we learn from our clients and I feel this is undoubtedly true; it is an invisible gift. I am grateful for the learning I have gained from my work which might continue to show itself and enrich my ongoing life experience.
So, as I read over what I have written, I notice how many times I have used the word `ending`. It stands out, doesn’t it? I am sure you, the reader, will pick this up and perhaps feel some of the weight of this `ending` for my clients and may be there for yours one day. Good luck with it when it comes.
© Jacqueline Horsburgh 2026